PMD2 5: Lizard the Bounty Hunter

Wigglytuff Spaceport

: We sure are, terrifying buck-toothed creature from the depths of Hell.

: Oh, yes siree! Reckon you all are all ready!

: Are you supposed to be Southern? Is that the gimmick?

: Then let’s pick ourselves a lawbreaker for you to find.

: Just get on with it.

: Well, you’ve got your pick of this sorry bunch of characters.

: Let’s try to find that Drowzee. I’m willing to bet-

: No. You’re dumb.

: Yes sirree, I hear you! Let’s see… eenie, meenie…

: Really? What are you, eight?

An alarm goes off.

?: Stand clear! Updating listings!

: I’m willing to bet our child-abducting friend just became a wanted criminal.

The screen shakes.

: Yeah, thanks, game. It just doesn’t feel like Pokemon Mystery Dungeon until the screen vibrates.

: Oh, the data’s getting updated.

: What? How does that-

: You may think my shock is unwarranted, but then you have to ask yourself: Why did this cause an earthquake?

: We noticed.

: While the panel is flipped over… a Pokemon named Dugtrio swaps out the old jobs with new ones.

: And again with the interruptions.

: Oh, c’mon, really? Why do we have to see this?

: “Today’s gamer doesn’t want gameplay, he wants to learn about the guy in charge of the billboard.”

Bidoof: He tunnels his way to our guild…

: Do we just not have security? Is that it?

: It wasn’t enough that we don’t trust the people handing out the missions, now we have to worry that somebody’s gonna sneak in and change them? Did nobody ever stop and think about this?

Bidoof: Then he flips the panel and upgrades the data.

: Would it kill ya to say something new for once?

Bidoof: This duty doesn’t get noticed much, but it’s very important. Yup yup!

: Bidoof: Champion of the Unappreciated Working Class.

Bidoof: That’s why Dugtrio takes such pride in what he does!

: I’m starting to think the Japanese have a different view of pride.

Dugtrio: Update completed! Stand clear!

: Alright game, any more pointless asides or are you done?

: The list of outlaws has been refreshed, so let’s pick one.

: Let’s see here… 19/F/Lopunny LFL? Who’s gonna fall for that?

: Hey, check it out!

: What’s ailing you, mate? Why are you shivering all of a sudden?

: …I’m not. In related news, shut up.

: Alright, so what am I looking for?

: Over on the top-left.

: “Me: A 78-year-old having an endlife crisis. You: A Korean with-” why the hell are you pointing this out to me?

: No, not that one! The one a little closer to the middle.

: I’m not seein’- oh.

: I love bein’ right.

: A’ight, let’s do this thing.

: Now what’s goin’ on? Where are you all off to?

Pokemon Plus Sign

: Somebody’s looking a little lonelier than usual… unless Azurill’s just offscreen.

: Where’s your brother and the creepy, van-driving old man?

: Yes… about them…! After we all left, we went looking for our lost item together… but I wound up all alone when Mr. Drowzee went somewhere with Azurill.

: Kid, there’s a very important lesson in this: Never believe anything an adult tells you.

: I called and called! But they didn’t come back. I got scared…

: And this was all in the last five minutes?

: Do you know where they went?

: Th-that way!

: So we can go running off after criminals, but only once the guild says they’re criminals? Is that how this works?

: And that they’re not in any of the thousand other prime child-hiding spots we passed?

: Yes…

: Well, I think my inexplicable psychic vision took place somewhere vaguely mountainous. From that we can conclude this is where we want to be.

Mt. Bristle 1F

: Another day, another dungeon.

: Did they really have time to walk all the way out here? We just went to the Guild and came straight here, but we were running most of the time.

: No matter how fast we are, the plot is just a little bit faster.

(It turns out that Geo Pebbles only do 10 damage. Presumably this is so you have to actually fight the bosses.)

Mt. Bristle 2F

: That’s just mean.

Mt. Bristle Peak

: Uh-oh. It’s a dead end.

: No, it’s a wall with a large hole in it.

: There are so many jokes I could make about this, but they’re all in mind-bogglingly poor taste.

: Could you show me where the item is now?

: “And didn’t I use to have a brother? What happened to that?”

: Sorry, kiddo.

: It’s absolutely amazing. We technically haven’t actually seen him do anything bad yet, and yet with that one phrase they’ve made me absolutely despise him.

: Your lost item? It’s not here, that’s for sure.

: Huh?

: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention.”

: My… big brother…

: You just realized he’s not with you?

: My big brother’s following us, right? He’s coming soon?

: Nope. Your big brother’s not coming. I’ll let you in on a little secret. This was all a trick. I deceived you.

: And you’re telling him that? You’re not very good at it.

: Huh!?

: But let’s not dwell on that. There’s a little favor I need to ask. See that hole behind you?

: Oh dear God!

: Well…

: This is terrible and wrong and I hate you game.

: There’s a rumor that there’s a trove of thief treasure inside there!

: You sick bastard!

: But as you can see, I’m too big to squirm my way through that hole.

: Seriously, did nobody read this and go “wait a minute that doesn’t sound right?”

: And that’s where you come in! Don’t worry. Just do as I say. Do that, and I’ll help you get back out of here.

: That’s a lie.

: “But that’s where I-” on second thought let’s not go there.

: Go on, get going!

: Isn’t there an easier way to do this? One that doesn’t involve child abduction? I mean, somebody had to put the treasure there in the fist place, right?

: I.. I.. I want my big brother!

: Attaboy! Run like hell!

: What gives? I thought small characters were supposed to be fast.

: Sheesh! I said that I’ll take you home when we’re done!

: You lied to him the first time, why the hell would he believe you again?

: If you keep being difficult, it will mean big trouble for you!

: H-h-h… HELP!

: Really? You’ve had that whole cutscene to come up with a line and that’s your entrance?

: I was trying to find the brain bleach. We really need to sort that Treasure Bag.

: Anyway, we’ll be your protagonists this evening. I’d offer to seat you, but some days I just don’t feel like being courteous with my ass-kicking.

: H-how did you find this place?

: Beats the hell outta me.

: We’re explorers/bounty hunters. Don’t ask how that works.

: An exploration team?! You came to apprehend…

: You gotta stop with the shivering thing, man. You’re making us look bad.

: I’ve got a lot of pent-up aggression, okay? There’ve been way too many cutscenes lately and that dungeon was short.

: A-ha! I’ve figured it out! You say you’re an exploration team, but you’re total rookies!

: You’re a funny man, Drowzee. I hate you. That’s why I’m going to kill you first.

: Heh. That’s right. I’m a wanted Pokemon with a bounty on my head.

: And I’m a turtle. Look, we all got our hangups, so let’s just get to the part where I bash your face in.

: But can you do the job? Can you confront this outlaw and bring him to justice?

: Yes.

: Do criminals usually think of themselves as criminals? Last time I checked, most people like to feel that their actions are justified.

: Ha! I’ve been chased by all sorts of exploration teams in my day… but never a sorrier-looking bunch than you two!

: Don’t tell Team Eeyore that. They’ll be heartbroken.

: This should be a laugh. Let’s see if you two can take me down. Show me what you’ve got!

(Are you ready? 3, 2, 1, GO!)

: Now, is that “Rrrrawrrr!” with a short ‘a’ or a long ‘a?’

: For all his grandstanding, he kind of sucks.

: Are you all right? Did he touch you?

: I’m OK.

: Great. Let’s get you out of here.

: OK.

Outside

: ZZZT! Thanks to you…

: This is even more annoying than when Magnemite did it.

: We have been able to arrest a wanted outlaw! ZZZT! ZZZT! We owe you great thanks for your cooperation! ZZZT!

: This guy is giving me some major Thought Police vibes. It’s never a good sign when the cops thank you for cooperating.

: ZZZT! We will send the reward to your guild!

: So Chatot can steal it?

: Thank you again! ZZZT!

: Aww…

: Maybe we’ll see “The Execution of Drowzee” before too long.

: Welp. I’m bored again.

Marill: Azurill!

: And where the hell was he this whole time?

: Marill!

: SpongeBob!

: Marill! It was so scary!

: You OK, Azurill? Are you hurt?

: He’s fine. Now let’s clear out and head back home- this day’s gone on far, far too long.

: Really?

: You have no idea.

: That’s a relief!

: …If you say so.

: Oh, Azurill… Azurill…

: No, really. Let’s leave.

: It looks that way, but just wait until Drowzee tries to look up his lawyer’s number and can’t find his wallet. Heh heh.

: We won’t forget what you did for us. Thank you so much.

: Hold up. I just thought of something. When’d you learn our names?

: Yup…

: Eh, it was something to do.

: Really… really thank you!

: Okay, we got it.

: There’s a federation?

Trielo’s team was rewarded with an enlarged Treasure Bag!

: That’s nice, I guess.

You can now carry more items than you could before!

: I hadn’t guessed.

Wait… there’s one more message.

: Why do I feel a sudden dread?

: God dammit, why him?

Chateau d’Wigglytuff

: Let me guess. You get 90% of that too, right?

: Well done, you two! ♪ Here’s your share for the job. It’s yours to keep.

: It’s probably a $20 Barnes & Noble Gift Card.

: Just let it go.

Trielo’s team received the $3000 bounty that was on the head of the captured outlaw!

: Haha yeah right.

However… because $2700 of that was the guild’s share… that portion was withheld.

: Are they going to do this deduction thing every time? It gets kind of depressing.

As a result, Trielo’s team… received only the remaining $300.

: I’m willing to bet at least half of that goes straight into Chatot’s booze fund.

: …But of course! It’s all part of the training!

: What, are you preparing your liver just in case somebody tries to kill you through alcohol poisoning?

: And we expect just as much effort tomorrow! Hee-heeee! ♪

: That guy’s kind of a dick.

The Mess Hall

: …And then he fell over, clutching his ears and screaming! It was the darndest thing.

: I’m willing to bet this wasn’t an isolated event.

That night…

The fog will come after several days of rain…

: I wonder if this storm’ll become important tomorrow.

: Nah. It’s probably just a callback to when I washed up on the beach.

Even later…

: If there’s one thing I hate, it’s artists who use Autotune to make up for their own inability. I can understand it for artistic purposes, or even if you’re just some guy who doesn’t have a career in music, but when you’re paid to sing you should bloody well be able to-

: Hold up. I’m picking up some plot again.

: What now?

: Let’s see… time gears.

: What.

: They’re the reason time’s been messed up and they’re hidden across the world.

: How does that even-

: Look, I don’t know. I didn’t come up with it, okay? Let’s just watch the slideshow.

A forest

An underground lake

A volcano

: And now we know where they are.

: That’s what they look like. Any questions?

: Nope. They’re hidden and they make time work. Got it.

: Okay, we get it, you made a ‘stormy night’ background. I’m sure you’re very proud of it.

: I have no idea what’s going on here.

: Ten bucks says this guy has something to do with Time Gears.

: That’s a sucker’s bet.

: Oh, there we go. He’s gonna take it.

: That’s probably a bad thing.

: Probably.

: Okay, he’s stealing the Time Gear, we get it.

: Bad guy spotted.

?: I finally found it! A Time Gear!

: Why don’t they just use the mugshots? We all know that’s a Grovyle, it’s not a spoiler or anything.

?: But… this is only the first of many…

: Yeah, sure. Good luck with that.

Next: Probably Bidoof’s Wish.

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