PMD2 1: …The Love You Take…

Lightning strike! Storm noises! FWOOSHOO

?: No, don’t let go!

?: Just a little longer… come on! Hang on!

?: N-n-no! I can’t… hold on… much longer!

I’d like to point out how the poor top screen gets the shaft here. It just wants to be loved .

Somewhere else…

?: Finally! I thought I’d be stuck in that goddamn game forever.

?: Where’d we end up this time?

: A beach, eh? Hope I didn’t land in Kingdom Hearts.

: Whoops, now I’m unconscious. This is getting off to a prodigal start.

Meanwhile…

: Well, that thing looks like a Wigglytuff, and a quick check confirms that I am, in fact, a turtle, so we’re in another Pokemon game. Man, Trielo’s gonna be pissed.

: On the plus side, there’s a sky now.

: Anyway, first thing’s first. Knowing these games, Trielo’s probably passed out somewhere and I’ll have to find him. Maybe the raging narcissist that lives here can help-

: Ah, crap.

?: Whose footprint? Whose footprint?

: Footprint? What the hell is going on here?

?: The footprint is Squirtle’s! The footprint is Squirtles!

: He sounds awfully confident, but I won’t let the him being right detract from the fact that there’s about 700 billion Pokemon and he can’t possibly know all the footprints. Even if he’s stolen a Pokedex, I’m willing to bet there are more than a few lazily reused sprites in the ‘pointless data you don’t care about’ sections.

: Something tells me I can’t get through here just yet, so I guess it’s time to start going down the Adventure Gaming Checklist.

>i

: I have no idea what the hell this thing is, so it’s probably important.

: Well, #1 was a bust and there’s nothing to see here, so I guess it’s time to skip right to #3. Since the north exit is blocked…

>s

: Hey, Zubat. Did you get a load of that?

: I sure did. C’mon, it’s time to do something evil.

Meanwhile, back at the beach…

…something stupid happens.

Thanks for that, game. That was totally pointful.

: And by ‘impressive’ I mean ‘boring and stupid.’

: They sure are proud of that bubble effect. I mean, I’d ‘love’ to stare at it for the next twenty hours, but I’ve got stuff to do.

: A-ha!

: Alright, Trielo, you’ve had your customary pre-game nap. It’s time to get up.

: …

: …

: …

: …

: …Floyd, please tell me that isn’t you.

: Sorry.

: …God damn it!

: Yeah, I know, but… hey, we’ve been through Hell once already, right? We can take another, different and possibly slightly better, Hell.

: …You know what? You’re right.

: I’m not about to let goddamn Pokemon get to me. We’re gonna kick this game’s ass, just like last time.

: Exactly.

: Alright then, you’re Mr. Exposition for now. What do you know so far?

: Amnesia again?

: I swear, they’re doing it just to mess with me.

: I never stopped and filled in the plot, so I’d assume it’s the same deal as last time.

: Randomly aggressive Pokemon inhabiting insane and completely impossible dungeons. Got it.

: Oh, and I’ve got-

: Look out!

: What the hell was that crap?

: Well, I did beg your pardon!

: The hell are you talking about?

: Heh-heh-heh! Can’t figure it out?

: Actually, now that the initial shock is over I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on.

: Goddamn antagonists.

: We wanted to mess with you! Can’t face up to us, can you?

: I just don’t believe in introductions through violence- not that the same can be said for yourself, of course.

: That’s yours, isn’t it?

: What, that rock with the obviously-significant-but-currently-meaningless drawing on it?

: Sorry, kiddo! We’ll take that!

Zubat stole the precious thing!

: I didn’t expect that you’d be such a big coward!

: Nah, I’m just not really sure if we want it.

: Come on, let’s get out of here.

: See you around, chicken. Heh-heh-heh.

: At least he’s not “kekeke”-ing.

: So… what, we’re just gonna watch them?

: Okay, guess we’re just gonna watch them.

: You know, we probably want that thing.

: Does that mean we go kick their asses?

: Damn straight.

: Turtle and me going to beat your ass…

: Well that’s familiar.

: So it’s the same as before? Great, this should be easy.

: So that’s what money is for!

Beach Cave B2F

: Okay, this is getting kind of old.

Beach Cave B3F

: Did you know that things happen when you push buttons? Try it!

Beach Cave B4F

: Great! Go help someone there. I never asked you for anything.

Beach Cave Pit

: I’m back, you subnormal halfwit!

: Hello again, dumbell!

: If it isn’t our friend the big chicken!

: Aww, c’mon. It’s not nice to make fun of Zubat like that.

: Look, can I have the rock back?

: Treasure, you say?

: I’m pretty sure I didn’t.

: So that thing really is valuable, huh?

: Well, not yet.

: It could be worth more than we’d hoped for, I bet.

: I highly doubt it’ll ever be of any use to anyone but us.

: We ought to try selling it. Who knows? We might get a good price.

: Yeah… no.

: Woah-ho-ho! All the more reason not to give it back!

: You make a convincing argument. As a rebuttal, I provide a boot to the head.

: If you want it back so badly, why don’t you come and get it? Heh-heh-heh…

: I’m glad we’ve come to an agreement.

(I’m not even gonna bother with video for this one. It was 30 seconds long and consisted entirely of me using Absorb.)

: What have we learned? I always win.

: Ugh… we got roughed up…

: Yeah, I’m surprised. For a blood-sucker you’re awfully weak to having your life force stolen.

: Actually, I’m pretty sure Absorb was barely effective.

: And yet I still kicked his ass with it.

: Well, I’m looking at your X-Ray and I’m afraid you suck!

: Bah! Here you go, take it then!

: Awesome! I don’t know what I’d do without my useless plot device.

: Care to try it again?

: Didn’t think so.

: Wait, it has a name?

: Not a useful one.

: Woah wait when’d we leave the dungeon?

: Might as well take a good look at it, y’know?

: Where’d it come from?

: I dunno, I just sort of found it.

: Well, that’s definitely a stone with a drawing on it.

: We’re gonna need it for something or another, but for the time being it’s probably best if we just wait for the game to tell us.

: It opens up a dungeon, I’m calling it right now.

: Anyway, enough about that. There’s a house shaped like a Wigglytuff nearby, and I think the game’ll let us through now that you’re here.

: Are you sure we want to do that?

: Got any better ideas?

: None whatsoever.

: Then the creepy house of self-worship it is.

: Why are we doing this?

: I don’t know!

: I feel like a douche.

: Me too.

And so…

: Oh, look, it’s our good friend the narrator!

Floyd and Trielo…

formed an exploration team.

: Oh… is that what we did?

This turned out to be…

their very first step into…

: A very deep financial hole they will never be able to dig themselves out of.

many fantastic realms of adventure that awaited their arrival.

: Eh, same thing.

: “Pokemanos: The Paws of Fate”

: Isn’t it a bit late for that? I think by this point we know what we’re playing.

Next: The return of Team IronicName!

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