PMD 29: And in the end…

The next morning…

: Not really. First Gengar came into the base and watched me in my sleep-

: Did you make a Twilight joke?

: Kinda. Anyway, he tried to steal my soul and the freaky dream chick had to rescue me.

: Ouch.

: Oh, and it turns out that the Powers That Be kidnapped me, stole my memories, and turned me into a lizard because they’re too goddamn cheap to buy an alarm clock.

: Ain’t that just the way of it?

: Well, that’s enough self-pity for the moment. We’ve got a game to finish.

Hill of the Ancients

: Alright, let’s get this over with.

: Great, you’re here. Xatu’s just-

: …doing that.

abs: Why?

: He’s building a Teleport Gem.

: …Is that how it works? I kind of figured you’d just… teleport us.

abs: How do you teleport with a gem?

: Kwaaaaaah!

: Okay, whatever. Just get us there.

: What’re we supposed to do with a floating, vaguely diamond-shaped sprite?

: This will deliver you to the world of the sky.

: Are you sure it’ll work this time, doc? I still have nightmares about that cat.

: Of course. Major strides have we made since then. Major strides. Now, Trielo. Accept!

: …

: …

abs: …Was something supposed to happen?

: Screw it, let’s just build a giant catapult.

: That was made using the powers of psychics.

: The giant catapult?

: Hm. We received help from a Ghost-type Pokemon, but he seems to have left.

: I stopped caring once I realized you were still talking.

: Alright, I have to ask you one last time: do you want to go into the doom-filled death dungeon of death and doom?

abs: Damn straight.

: Sure.

: Yeah, whatever. (And once we get back, Gardevoir said…)

: (…which means the game’s finally over, so… yeah. Something to look forward to.)

: Yeah, great, cool, fine. Let’s go.

abs: Allons-y!

abs: What the-

: Couldn’t they have teleported us onto solid ground? The falling isn’t really necessary.

: Are we standing on clouds? How are we standing on clouds?

abs: Well, that’s certainly- wait. Is the camera panning?

abs: And an egregious waste of screen space. Why have two screens if you’re not going to use them?

: This one was on the GBA, too.

abs: Yeah, but they still could have changed the vistas for the DS version. This is just lazy.

: Okay, so we’re probably gonna climb the whole damn thing. Get ready.

(I basically completely skipped the last dungeon because there wasn’t anything to say. However, there is one thing I’d like to tell you about this dungeon- you see, it’s got these:)

(Flying enemies. What a pain in the ass. They can glide right over the walls, and if I bump into them in a hallway none of my moves can hit them. Fortunately…)

(Gravalerocks can.)

(So, everything was going pretty well, right? It’s a 25-floor dungeon, I got to floor 24… and the game completely screwed me over, entirely at random.)

You see, every now and again the game has a room called a ‘monster house,’ where it drops like ten enemies on you at once. Normally, you’re just holding out at the entrance and it’s fine. However, the room you spawn in can sometimes be a monster house. In other words, the game started me right in the middle of 10 high-level enemies. To make matters worse, they kept using Agility, which I think gave them all extra turns. Also the staircase was in the same room too. In short, FMLP.)

Several reloads and 25 more floors later…

abs: I kind of didn’t want to bring this up, but… was there weather down there?

: Oh, good, you saw it too. I thought I was going crazy.

: It’s probably best if we just don’t think about it.

abs: Boss time!

: Sorry, you’re a bit behind the times- they got rid of the No-Fly Zones seven years ago.

: So… you’re Rayquaza, then, yes?

Rayquaza: Indeed I am. The sky is my domain. Depart at once!

abs: We’d love to, really, but we need you to break the giant rock about to hit-

Rayquaza: Never!

abs: No, really, it’s there! Just look

Gyaaaah!

: Ooooh yeah, you’re real scary.

: I am a being of the sky, and you are but denizens of the ground.

: Hey! That’s… uh…

abs: Elevationist?

: Yeah! Elevationist!

: To each, there is a world destined to their own!

: Separate isn’t equal. Didn’t Brown v. Board teach you anything?

: For hundreds of millions of years, never once have I descended to the ground!

abs: You don’t have to if you’d just turn around and shoot the-

: And the opposite shall also hold true!

: I think it’s a little late for that.

: Let there be no mercy for those that defy the laws of nature! Prepare for the end!

: Okay, that’s great, I’ll let you do that, but first could you just turn around?

(Of course not! All things considered, though, Rayquaza’s a pushover.)

: GRR I’M ANGRY ARGH

: Wait, what? No! Dammit!

abs: But… he’s supposed to wake up. That’s the opposite of waking up.

: Bugger.

: Oh okay nevermind.

The screen shakes again.

: How the hell is there an earthquake on clouds?

abs: I told you to look.

: Damn you, Gallifrey!

: It’s your order of Girl Scout cook- what the hell does it look like?

abs: Just hurry up and smash it.

: Yep, great. We understand each other. Now hurry up and smash the damn thing.

abs: Hold on. You have to WHAT?

: “Oh, I’m sorry, you weren’t resolute enough. Guess that means everyone on the planet has to die! Better luck next time.”

: Okay, at this point I just have to assume everybody in this entire world is stoned out of their mind.

: The star has come too close. If I were to loose my Hyper Beam here… you would not escape unscathed!

: Who cares? So what, we die, big deal. Since the other option is also dying it doesn’t really matter what we think.

: Well said!

TIME FOR A TASTE TEST

abs: It’s a little bit late for that!

: Don’t talk with your mouth full.

MUSIC LIVES!

abs: You’d think all these clouds reflecting unfiltered sunlight would help prepare for the blinding BUT THEY DON’T!

: And that… was the first time I died.

: …Is that it? Is the game over now?

: …Guess not…

: Worst. Death. Ever.

: Kekeke! Now, what to do with you?

: You fat bald bastard! If this wasn’t a cutscene, I would be kicking your ass and you know it!

: I know!

: Shit, where’s my Gravalemace?

: I’ll drag you into the dark world. That’ll do it.

: Yeah, come get some, ya frickin’ wuss!

: GET YOUR HANDS THE FUCK OFF OF ME!

: ………………..

: ……….Hunh?

: What, second thoughts? Trust me, it’s far too late for mercy.

: You are an amateur and a fool!

: Well you’re in luck because I know exactly where to go! The end of my fist.

: I will hunt you down.

: That’s it. Good-bye to you.

: I’m not done with you.

: Someday I’m going to come back and beat the shit out of that guy.

?: …Hey, can you hear…

: Snap out of it!

: That was refreshingly blunt.

: Wow, all the way down here? That must have been a hell of a fall. And Rick’s gone missing again.

abs: Urk… I missed the hill…

: Why am I still alive?

: Yeah, that doesn’t actually tie into what you just said at all.

?: Ooooooooooohhhh!

: (….This game is dumb and I hate it.)

: Wait what no. Take that back.

: I’m sorry! The script took over again.

: OH GOD!

: What the hell is wrong with his face?

: You were incredible!

: Snivel… I’m so glad you’re safe! It’s fantastic!

: You know it, kid.

: What now?

: Yeah, we kind of saw it get Hyper Beam’d to hell.

: Though it will not be right away… the disasters will soon be calmed.

: Wait, the star was causing the natural disasters?

: I mean, I guess I could see some atmospheric destabilization or something but I don’t get how a star causes earthquakes and angry people.

: Eh, it’s not really worth worrying about. What’s important is that the game’s over now.

(But first, a montage!)

: Hey, that’s where we talked to people I hate!

: And there’s the low-budget retirement home!

abs: The silly and inefficient postal service!

(Okay, enough of that foolishness.)

: “It’s even better than the last time I didn’t die!”

: This calls for a celebration!

: What!? No! There are children here!

: Ahahaha

: Aha-

: Actually now it’s just creepy.

: Y-You’ve gotta be kidding me!

Lombre knows the whistle won’t help here and tries to escape…

: …There are no words.

: Oh? Not bad!

: Lombre! Jump!

: It might be the coward’s way out, but it’s better than this!

: No! Stop! This is beyond wrong! Caterpie, look away!

: I should probably do something, but…

: …Time to go, then? …Alright. I shouldn’t leave Lombre, but… well, the innuendo wasn’t intended anyway…

: Your role here has ended. It’s time to go back to your world.

: Finally.

: Nah, don’t be sorry. We weren’t gonna stick around anyway.

: Sorry, kid. I’ve gotta go. If it helps, you were annoying, but at least you weren’t a complete psychopath like everyone else.

: Oh, we’re leaving?

: Yep.

: We’ve got a magic train to catch, you know how it is. Also I’m not really sorry.

: Wh-what are you saying?

: I told you, we’re leaving.

: …Leave? What do you mean, leave?

: Our time’s up. We can’t stay here forever, you know? Besides, where there are meetings there are partings and all that stuff.

: Unbelievable!

: Hey, I thought you knew everything.

: Go back… to the human world!?

: Eh, well- you know what, let’s just go with that for now, yeah.

: Huh? Wh-why…? Why!? I don’t understand! Why do you have to leave?

: It’s for the best, really. You need a better role model.

: W-wait…

: Sorry, no can do.

: I… What am I going to do when you’re gone, Trielo?

: You’ll probably find a better hero. We’re out of the question, but I’m sure you can find another rescue team to join, one with morals and caring and all that junk.

: Trielo!

: Trielo!

: Trielo…

: Yeah, that’s me. You can stop-

: Sorry, guys, but we’re gone.

: Wait… is this how it goes? I don’t think it goes like this.

: Huh. Weird.

: Why? Why was it necessary to leave us…?

: They saved my life… But I hadn’t done anything to show my thanks… Left… before I could even say thanks…

: You’re right… Just up and left like that… Why now? Why when the world has been saved? Just when things were going to get better… sob…

: This was coming… Our world, it was saved by Trielo. I look back now… when he went to the sky, Trielo seemed… as if resigned. Resigned to accept what was to come.

: …I think I’ve got it figured out. He became a Pokemon to save our sorry asses, and when that star got blown up his job was over.

: Why… why didn’t he tell me sooner?

: He probably just didn’t like you that much. Besides, as much as you are heart-broken now… well, he probably doesn’t feel anything like that. Kid’s a bit of a jerk, if you ask me.

: Man, I’m glad that’s over with. I hope we end up in a good game next time… or at least one where I’m a person and not some fuzzy animal. I’m getting really sick of that.

: Hm? I think I hear a monologue.

: I wonder who that is. I guess Caterpie’s the one I hated least… almost felt bad about leaving the kid. Almost.

A true friend… a friend for life…

: Oh, the game’s just making stuff up again. How nice.

: Fat chance o’ that.

…A miracle may occur.

: Yeah, keep on dreamin’.

…But the miracle never happen.

The End.

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