PMD 28: The End of Dungeons, Part 1

And in the square…

abs: They were sitting here the whole time!

: Son of a bitch!

: Look! Here they come!

: You’re damn right we do!

: It’s true, darlings!

: Let’s go!

: Tryin’ to make it look like you were helping? For shame.

abs: Who the hell do they think they’re fooling?

: And where were you jackasses the whole time, huh?

: You really took down that Groudon!?

: Yeah, no thanks to you guys.

: Assholes.

: Darlings, it’s fantastic!

: Yeah, for you. No more earthquakes and you didn’t even have to do anything! Looks like your ass got beat the first time around for nothing.

: You have won me over!

abs: Ew!

: And how the hell do you lazy ingrates even know what happened?

: Then where’d he learn about it?

: You bunch became stronger than I expected!

abs: I think I hate you.

: You can be proud of it!

: Haven’t we been over this?

: You lot did great! Why don’t we team up sometime? Gahahaha!

abs: And now you’re mocking us? I thought that was our job!

: What is wrong with you people?

: Are you guys even supposed to be sympathetic?

abs: At this point I’m honestly starting to wonder why we’re helping them.

: And what the hell kind of useless reward is that?

: Your Team IronicName is a first-class rescue team.

: Oh, gee, well that makes it all-

: Why should I give a damn?

: Take pride in that. Floyd, Trielo.

: And again with the pride thing!

: I’m glad somebody managed to take down that dungeon! My leaves hurt just thinking about it!

: I died like five times and this is the thanks I get?

: Okay seriously what the hell is your goddamn problem?

abs: What an ass.

The screen goes white for all of a second.

: Huh? What was that?

: Somebody forgot to turn off their flash.

: I thought I heard something just for a moment… Did I just imagine it?

(You can’t tell because screenshots, but they’re looking around.)

: What’re we looking for again?

abs: Don’t ask me. I’m not even onscreen.

: No. I heard it too.

: Oh shit it’s for real.

: Me too. Even now, I hear it…

: Can you hear them, Doctor? Can you hear the drums?

: Someone talking? …Not sure.

: I don’t think that line will ever make sense.

More looking around and another camera flash.

: Please tell me it’s not a laughing John Simm.

: You’re in luck. It’s just Xatu.

abs: “Luck?”

: Yeah, I’m kind of disappointed too.

: Xatu? Ah, that’s it! Telepathy! Xatu is calling out to us using telepathy!

: We need to get one of those emergency broadcast systems.

: Now every Pokemon… is me! Pokemanity has been supplanted by the Xatu race!

Xatu: Terrible, it is! From the sky… falls a star…

: Is it a diamond?

abs: It’s weird how prescient this game is.

: It is huge… A giant of a star! The star, it falls. It falls straight to us.

: I’m sorry, I missed it. What is the star doing?

: Woah wait when did we get a sky?

abs: Oh. That, uh… yeah. Not good.

: Goddamn Time Lords and their stupid falling planet.

: Is he gonna break out in song?

Xatu: The balance of the world, it has been upset.

: No, really, I mean it. This doesn’t look like Yoda-speak, it looks like rearranging words to make the rhyme scheme work.

Xatu: All because of the star. The star that slowly comes closer.

: No, really, we got it.

: Quick, somebody shoot a computer!

: Something must be done…

: Why do I suspect this ends in instrumentality?

: Xatu. Tell us. Can the falling star be stopped?

Xatu: ………There is a way. To prevent collision, there is but one solution.

: We all ascend to a higher plane?

Xatu: You must ask Rayquaza.

: Rayquaza? What might that be?

Xatu: A Pokemon, living far above us in the sky. Legendary, it is.

abs: Wait, let me guess: It blows up the world and Raptures us, right?

Xatu: Rayquaza must be asked to destroy the star from the sky.

: I still don’t trust this.

Xatu: However, far far up in the sky lives Rayquaza. Known by few and seen by none.

: I think that was kind of implied by “living far above us in the sky” and “legendary, it is.”

: The sky… how are we to go there?

: With magic! Quickly, to the 7 temples! We must awaken the sages so that they may build us a rainbow bridge!

Xatu: Alakazam and I amplify our Teleport together… and send Pokemon to the sky.

abs: If Pokey-man was meant to fly, he would have wings!

: Like that guy over there?

abs: Oh, um… yeah.

Xatu: However… the sky is a world above the clouds.

: Wait what?

Xatu: What will become of the Pokemon who goes above the sky? Even I can guess nothing…

: Did a nuclear explosion cloud your vision?

: Alright, so… who says we send these guys up?

abs: Hey wait hold on-

Chorus: Aye!

: Yeah that figures.

Xatu: Floyd, Trielo. Do you hear? This is Xatu.

: This is Xatu to Xatu, can you hear me out there man?

: This is Xatu back to Xatu, I read you loud and clear man!

abs: Ooh yeah man!

Xatu: Discuss we will, Alakazam and I, about how our Teleport can be amplified.

: Maybe you’ll be able to teleport that spaceship out of the swamp.

Xatu: Departure, it is tomorrow. Rest you should until then.

: Isn’t it kind of soon to be dumping this on us?

Xatu: Last word.

: Hey, that’s mine!

Xatu: Dangerous will be your adventure… but fail, you must not. Surpass yourselves.

And so, for the first time in ages, we are left to chat up the NPCs.

: Are you a Golem or a Chatot?

: Chatot?

: Yes, Chatot. It’s a parrot-like Pokemon.

: A parrot-like Pokemon?

: Indeed. Something something nanomachines.

: Shut up, I don’t want to hear about your love life.

: Don’t hold your breath.

: Yeah, it’s a little late for that, buddy.

: I think he actually was in the dungeon, though.

: Oh, well… uh… I’m still mad.

: You do that.

: Well, you got part of that right.

: Well now I’m gonna fail out of spite.

: You people are all useless. I’m going to bed.

That night…

PMD 22-24

: zzzzzzzzzzz…drums…….zzzzzzzzzz…….

: Must be another psychic dream.

: Hey, what gives? Why’s it purple this time?

: I want to make a Twilight joke. Somebody kill me now.

: But who would’ve thought you were also human before… didn’t expect that.

: But who would’ve thought- on second thought screw it just get the hell out.

: But who cares? Someone like that’s sure to be some lowlife. Keke!

: You know what? Don’t go yet. Just wake me up so I can bash your goddamn face in.

: I’ll expose you yet!

: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

: I’ll expose what’s in your heart with Dream Eater! Kekeke!

: Okay that’s marginally better.

: My anger cannot be adequately expressed in text so I won’t even bother.

: Great. Tinkerbell. That’s the last thing I needed.

: GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU

: Great. Some creepy jackass is trying to steal my soul and I don’t even get to throw rocks at him.

: You again.

gardevoir: What, don’t I get a thank you?

: Next time just wake me up and let me beat the crap out of him, okay?

gardevoir neutral: Look, there’s no time to question my methods, I’ve got to hurry up and explain the plot.

: About goddamn time.

gardevoir neutral: Trielo, you’ve… come to save this world.

: …I kind of knew that.

gardevoir neutral: I guess it was kind of obvious.

: Well-

gardevoir neutral: Okay shut up now.

: Ugh.

gardevoir neutral: So, anyway, we

: Who’s ‘we?’

gardevoir neutral: Hell if I know. Anyway, we found out about the whole comet thing, so we started looking for a hero.

: And where do I fit into this?

gardevoir neutral: We looked all over- even in the Lost & Found- but there were no heroes to be found.

: And what, out of the three hundred billion or so Pokemon they’ve got now you couldn’t find anybody competent?

gardevoir neutral: Yes, actually. We couldn’t find anyone suitable for the job… until we came across a certain human.

: I’m sensing some uncomfortable implications.

gardevoir neutral: When we found you, you refused to believe that you could be the hero we needed.

: That doesn’t sound like me.

gardevoir neutral: You decided to let yourself be put to the test.

: That sounds even less like me.

gardevoir neutral: To see if you were strong enough, you had your memories of being human erased.

: Wait, what? Why?

gardevoir: To keep the results pure or something, we never really figured that one out.

: Now let me see if I’ve got this straight. You told me I was a hero, took me away from my family, wiped my memories, and turned me into a lizard to find out if I was strong enough to climb a tower and wake up Rayquaza?

gardevoir neutral: Yeah, pretty much.

: What the hell is wrong with you people? You’re all completely insane! The losers at the square, Gengar and his merry band of idiots, you, Xatu, The Powers That Be- you’re all maniacs!

gardevoir: Well, I mean, it was the only-

: No it wasn’t! I’ll buy that nobody here was fit for the job, seeing as you’re all insane, but why couldn’t I have climbed the tower as a human? I’m pretty sure that was in other games. And, more importantly, why couldn’t you do it yourselves? If you’re powerful enough to turn me into a tree lizard thing, I think you can get a goddamn alarm clock.

gardevoir: …Huh. I never really thought about it like that.

: I can’t wait to get the hell out of this game.

gardevoir neutral: If it helps, you can go back to being human once you’ve taken care of the giant space rock.

: Yeah, it doesn’t. Thanks for trying (but not really).

gardevoir: …

: What?

gardevoir: Aren’t you going to get upset about leaving Floyd?

: Nah. It doesn’t work like that, trust me.

gardevoir neutral: But- I mean- friendship and stuff, right?

: Okay, I’ll put it this way. The level cap’s at 100 and none of us are even at 30.

gardevoir: Okay, whatever, I give up. Just go wake Rayquaza, okay?

: Fine. Sure. Whate-

(Another camera flash goes off.)

: What was that?

gardevoir neutral: It looks like someone was watching your dream.

: Alright, that’s it, tomorrow’s Beat Up Gengar Day, meteor be damned.

gardevoir neutral: Hey, no, stay focused. You’re climbing that tower, got it? Besides, it probably wasn’t Gengar. Whoever it was ran off crying.

: Really? Weird.

Next: Probably the end of the game!

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