PMD 25: Where were we again?

: The days blend into weeks blend into months blend into years. I’ve grown accustomed to my life in this hellish place, against all odds- going through the same routines, the same mail, the same dungeons… being a Pokemon is really goddamn boring.

: I know it’s been dull, but you realize it’s only been a week or so, right?

: I refuse to dabble in your petty measurement of time.

Several days later…

: These things are still around? What the hell are we paying the police for? I paid good money to live in a gated community and we can’t even keep the goddamn Digletts out.

: It’s hard to rest when your pile of grass won’t stay still.

?: Hey!

: We need you at the square! Everyone’s gathering there.

: And what, you need absolutely everyone to be there or else you won’t feel important?

: I’m not really sure… Shiftry’s calling everyone out. He’s getting all the other rescue teams to come.

: That explains it, then. Leafy bastard. Floyd, you think we got a choice?

s2: Hell no!

: Then let’s do this thing.

(Exeunt screen left.)

: Oh, wow, that’s a lot of them. Can the DS even handle this many sprites? We might, I dunno, burn out the processor or something.

: One can only hope.

: Looks like they sent out a lot of rescue teams for help.

t3: Good for them! Well, at this point, I think our little ragtag bunch is redundant. We’ll probably just get in your way. Let’s go, Floyd.

: You know I’m far too proud for that excuse.

: On second thought, so am I.

: I’ve seen some pretty famous leaders from faraway places.

: …How much clout does Shiftry’s gang have, again?

s2: Maybe we’ll see the Sheik of Araby.

: That Shiftry… I wonder what he’s planning to do with all these rescue teams?

t3: Final boss spotted!

: I always thought he looked shi-

: Don’t finish that thought.

t3: Well, now, that depends. Is Caterpie in the audience and, if so, has he had his Ritalin today?

shift: I, uh… It’s not my style to get up in front of everyone like this, and…

: Keep in mind this is the guy with enough authority to bring in “famous leaders” from “faraway places.”

shift: …Sorry. This isn’t the time for that!

: He must be on the phone with someone. That’s the only way this dialog makes sense.

: Whatever happened to professionalism?

: There’s big trouble! Alakazam’s team went underground… but they haven’t returned!

: Hey, man, chill. Maybe the pop music scene wasn’t their thing, y’know? They’re artists. You gotta let them do what they want.

?: Wh-what?

?: Is that true?

shift: Yes, unfortunately. Alakazam led his team underground to quell Groudon… and that’s it. We haven’t heard anything from them.

: Well, geeze, what did you expect? It takes time to kill an all-powerful lava demon from beneath the planet’s crust.

shift: To be honest… we have no idea what became of them.

: They were last seen getting ready to face off against a god. What the hell do you think happened?

: What about this is hard to understand?

: The geezer might be powerful, but he’s not a legendary creature of unimaginable strength and he’s not the main character. Mystery solved.

?: But they haven’t come back! That’s for real!

: Yeah, well, dead people tend to stay that way.

?: That’s right… And it sounds as if Groudon is out of our league…

: Oh, really? The unstoppable hellbeast from the Earth’s core might be a little too much for the Jackass Brigade? Say it ain’t so!

?: What? It’s that tough? This Pokemon named Groudon?

: Yes! It can lower the goddamn sea level just by waking up, and you’re surprised it can flatten some random spoon-bender off the streets?

?: Why don’t you go underground and see for yourself?

?: Huh!? You gotta be kidding me!

?: There’s magma flowing everywhere underground! I’d burn up if I went anywhere like that!

: And so killing the lava god is left up to a bunch of level twenty-something rookies. Thanks a lot, guys.

: Shut up!

shift: It’s not a place where just anyone can go. That’s why I asked so many rescue teams to gather here today.

: You wanna find the cream of the crop, so you open the door to anyone bored enough to show up? Good plan.

shift: I propose that a special team be formed by choosing the best of the best. Who will step forward? Who among us will be the heroes to take on the challenges underground!?

: Guess this is our cue.

: Wait, what?

: You guys have gotten a lot tougher, that’s for sure, but there’s plenty of tougher Pokemon out there.

: Oh? Oh, really, there are? Well, where the hell were they when you all gave up chasing us? Did you forget about that?

: You know, the part where everybody else went “wee-wee-wee” all the way home?

: See, they’re doing it again.

: Look, I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to rush towards what would be certain death were it not for narrative convention, but there’s no point in fighting it.

: It’s a classic setup. Anyone qualified is either incompetent or missing, so we get to go in and prove that they’re all pitifully weak.

: We’ve been going on about Groudon, but even if he’s an extremely hard fight for us he should be a total pushover for these guys. Should be, but isn’t.

: I guess what we’re trying to say here is get out of my goddamn way. Nobody else wi-

: Son of a bitch.

: God dammit game, stop stalling.

?: Woah!

?: You mean… Team Hydro’s roughneck Blastoise?

?: Those waterspouts on his back can rocket water so fast it punches through thick iron plates!

: This is insane. We’re going to end up succeeding where a more powerful version of myself fails.

: It’s rumored that Groudon is a Ground type.

: No, that’s his awkward cousin Groundon.

s2: Hypocrite.

: I am a water type. Strong against the ground type.

s2: There are many like me, but I am me.

: My Hydro Pump will put Groudon down in one shot.

: …Unless it doesn’t, in which case I will use my backup plan, to be determined at a later date, that may or may not involve getting my ass kicked.

?: I’ll join the party too.

?: She’s Team Constrictor’s leader.

: Really? ‘Cause I kinda figured the octopus would roll with Team Hydro.

: Constriction is a pretty dumb theme.

?: She’s known for persistent and clingy attacks. She ensnares foes with her tentacles, then head-butts them! She’d be nasty to face in any battle of endurance.

: Alright, which one of you swiped a Pokedex?

t3: Haha. Is that what they’re calling it these days?

?: Say, how about not forgetting about me?

: Say, how about you condense that sentence? You can cut out almost half of that.

?: He’s the most brutal of Team Rumblerock!

?: His body is rock hard. He’s supposed to be able to withstand huge explosions without taking damage.

: If Groudon’s awakened underground, that suits me fine.

: Cocky bastard.

: I’ll use my Rock Throw to keep it buried underground.

: As opposed to buried in the clouds.

shift: No one could complain about your selection.

t3: Democracy is when you elect yourself and nobody complains.

t3: And then they will also fail and I will laugh because the other option is crying.

?: Yeah! Good choice!

?: You’re representing us! Make us proud!

: I don’t think this is how a representative government works.

: Let’s go!

: Oh, uh… really? Right now?

: I mean… y’know, even the first batch took some time to-

: Oh, so you’re just gonna leave. Okay, uh… great. Yeah. Good luck with that.

?: Win it for us!

?: Save Alakazam’s team!

: Not with their strategy they ain’t. Well, that and they’re not the main characters.

: Let them handle it.

: Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, don’t come crying to me once you burn to death in a lava flow.

: Why can’t five people go in a dungeon at once, again?

: Actually, if you think about it, there’ll be nine once we have to go and save their asses.

: So it’s arbitrary and inconsistent.

Next: Guess.

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