Sonic Battle #3: These Chapters Are Short

Previously on Sonic Battle: We decided to go to the beach.

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mug_emerl_2: …! … … …!

mug_sonic_2-2: Hey!  We didn’t come here to play, you know!

mug_tails_1-2: Actually, we kind of did.

mug_sonic_2-2: As usual, the first to get “10 KOs” wins!  Are you ready?

(You know what that means.) [YouTube]

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“1”!

(Screw you too, game.)

mug_sonic_2-2: Hey, now you’re getting the hang of it!  Pretty soon you’ll be able to get “Chaos Emeralds” all by yourself!

mug_tails_1-2: That can’t possibly be a good thing.

mug_sonic_4-2: Hey!  Knuckles might be able to help out!  Especially since he’s familiar with “Chaos Emeralds”!

mug_tails_1-2: Since when?  I thought he only cared about the big one.

mug_sonic_4-2: OK, are you ready, Emerl?

mug_tails_1-2: Wait, wait, hold on.  I’m getting to the bottom of this.  What in the hell is an Emerl?

mug_sonic_4-2: Yeah, that’s its name.  It’s powered by “Chaos Emeralds”, so I named it “Emerl!”

mug_tails_2: …What?

mug_sonic_4-2: Cool name, eh?

mug_emerl_2: … … …!  …!

mug_tails_1-2: Sonic, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

(To the game’s credit, this is more or less his reaction in the original.)

mug_sonic_4-2: Hey!  There’s a fake Emerl in front of “Tails’ House”!

mug_tails_1-2: That’s the really stupid-lookin’ one, right?  What kind of narcissistic jackass has such a dumb house, anyway?

mug_sonic_2-2: Is that also part of Eggman’s plan?  That cheeseball!

mug_tails_2: …You need to stop talking.

mug_sonic_2-2: Hey, Tails!  Let’s set an attack technique on Emerl with the “R” button!

mug_tails_1-2: Why are you telling me?  I don’t have the controller.

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(Here’s the R menu.  The only thing of any use to us right now is ‘Edit Skills.’)

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(Just pick a category and choose a skill.  We don’t have a whole lot to choose from right now, and our low skill point pool means that we can’t equip very many anyway.  I give him Sonic’s run (because the base movement speed is ridiculously slow), Tails’ jump, and Sonic’s first jab.)

tailss house

mug_sonic_4-2: Hey, Tails!  I just thought of something!

mug_tails_2: This can only lead to bad things.

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that fake copy!

mug_notemerl_1: Fake?  I think he’s the fake robot around here.  You’re comparing that junk pile to me?  Ha!  He’s not even good enough to be my fake!

(Okay I lied that never happened even though it should have.)

mug_tails_2: Sonic, that is a terrible idea.

mug_sonic_2-2: Don’t worry, I’ll back him up if it gets into trouble!  We should test out its abilities after all that training, right?  Now go!

mug_tails_2: Actually, I was more concerned about making him beat up what is, essentially, his twin brother.

(Moral quandary aside, have some fighting robots.) [YouTube]

mug_sonic_2-2: Yeah!  Take that!

mug_emerl_2: … … …!

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mug_tails_1-2: Whatever.  Let’s just go see Knuckles.

(We need to go up north to the next screen.)

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Holy summits, Batman (I’m sorry I’m so so sorry)!

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(You probably noticed the plot event up in the top-left corner of the screen.)

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mug_tails_1-2: Oh,  it’s that one guy from Sonic Adventure.  The one who committed suicide.

mug_sonic_4-2: Hey, it looks just like Gamma!

mug_tails_1-2: I kind of just said- wait.  Hold on.  How would you know that?  I’m pretty sure you never actually met him.

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(I dig giant robots.  You dig giant robots.  Nobody digs lame robots.) [YouTube]

mug_tails_1-2: That was… unexpected, actually.  Shocking.

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mug_tails_1-2: Well, not the original Gamma.  That one blew up.

mug_sonic_2-2: I wonder why it attacked us.  No matter!  We’ll find out once we track down Eggman.  Let’s head to “Knuckles’ House” for now!  We don’t know when we might be attacked, so let’s give Emerl a stronger attack.  It might be a good idea to train using that “Ruin”!

mug_tails_1-2: ….Mind slowing down a bit?   Sheesh.

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(The ruins are over here.)

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I had to try like five times before I could beat this.  The video is corrupt, so I can’t show it to you, but it’s just me spending ten minutes figuring out how to exploit the AI so I can win despite the fact that Emerl completely goddamn sucks right now.  I don’t have enough skill points or cards to give him any really good abilities; right now, he just has a run speed card- which is, in fact, 100% vital (I’m not even kidding; he moves so slow without it that it’s honestly painful to watch, let alone play)- and some basic attacks that do very little damage.  He doesn’t have any proper finishers, which means that trying to combo someone will result in them pummeling you as soon as your attack ends.

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your “Chaos Emerald!”

mug_tails_1-2: You sure you don’t need glasses or something?

mug_knuckles_2: What is it with you?  You don’t just barge into somebody’s house, pretend you can’t see them, and demand they give you jewels.  Not without a gun, any- hey!  Wait a minute.  I recognize that robot!

mug_tails_1-2: Wait, hold on.  Is this going to be a convoluted excuse to have you and him fight?

mug_knuckles_1: But of course!  And why not?  You don’t just let a jewel thief go away free.  The robot on the news was a different color, but it was definitely him!

mug_tails_1-2: Wait, what?  So this is literally just Sonic Adventure 2 all over again, right down to the inexplicable color-blindness?

mug_knuckles_3: Yup.  Even the robot-smashing!

mug_sonic_3-2: H-hey… just chill for a second Knuckles!  This robot is powered by “Chaos Emeralds…”

mug_knuckles_3: Shut up!  You’re not allowed to be the voice of reason!

mug_sonic_4-2: Oh boy…  There’s no stopping Knuckles once he gets all riled up.  Listen up, Emerl.  This guy won’t listen to anybody who’s weaker than he is.  So if we want to talk to him about “Chaos Emeralds,” you’ve got to beat him first.  Don’t worry.  He’s got lots of power, but his moves are simple to read.  Watch for an opening, then hit him with a combo attack!  But wait a second… do you want to change any of your attack techniques?  (Press the “R button” to do so.)

mug_knuckles_3: What’s with the long-winded tutorial?  Just let me lose already!

(Yes you have to fight him solo with Emerl.) [YouTube]

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“1.”

mug_knuckles_3: His moves… they’re very similar to Sonic’s. Could the developers really be that lazy?

mug_tails_1-2: Yes, but- strangely enough- it’s not that this time.  Consider it an exception.

mug_knuckles_3: Whatever, let’s just fight some more!

(You can go back to the video now.)

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mug_sonic_2-2: OK, We’ll borrow that “Chaos Emerald” now!

mug_knuckles_1: Beat me up and take my stuff?  You guys are jerks.

mug_tails_1-2: Nah, just him.  Maybe the robot.  Well, me too, actually, but in a different way.

mug_knuckles_1: Whatever.  Just go back to the map screen while I stand here and do nothing.

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mug_knuckles_1: Well, okay.  The robot beat me, which means that it has to be a good guy, so I guess I can give you the Emerald.

mug_sonic_4-2: See!  I told you!  Why don’t you ever listen to me!

mug_knuckles_2: Because you’re an idiot.

mug_tails_1-2: Tell me about it.  Watch this.

mug_tails_1-2: Hey, Sonic!  What is this robot, anyway?

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mug_tails_1-2: Bwahahaha.

mug_knuckles_1: Seriously, though.  What is it?

mug_tails_1-2: Well, it runs on plot and that fat guy wants it.

mug_sonic_4-2: Not to mention Shadow and Rouge.

mug_knuckles_2: Well, if the useless doctor and furry pandering machine want it, it has to be important.

mug_tails_1-2: Unfortunately enough.  Anyway, thanks for the shiny thing.

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I think we can all agree with this sentiment.

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mug_tails_1-2: If you’re getting a creepy Ar Tonelico vibe from this, please don’t.  Please.

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“Skill Points” have increased by “10”!!

(The screen pulses white before turning black.)

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mug_emerl_2: T.h.a.n.k. y.o.u, Sonic!

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mug_sonic_4-2: Emerl spoke!

mug_tails_1-2: I didn’t know you could make sentences out of a single letter like that!

mug_emerl_2: Sonic… Metal… B.a.t.l.l.e… b.a.t.l.l.e… b.a.t.l.l.e… b.a.-

mug_tails_1-2: I know you’re excited about this new ‘speech’ thing, but shut the hell up.

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(And let the credits roll!  No, really.  Well, okay, they only give you the Sonic Team and Sega logos.  But still.) [YouTube]

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