Sonic Battle #1: Sonic Nomad and the Plot Eaters

Evidently, you guys were getting as bored of Pokemon Mystery Dungeon as I was, so here’s this thing.

Oh god what is this why would you do this terrible thing?

I wish I knew.

Okay, really.  Why?

This is a fighting game.

This is a Sonic game.

It has a story mode.

I love bad stories.

What about that stupid Pokemon thing?

Well, it’s not canceled, but the topic came up and it turns out that plenty of people seem to think that it was starting to drag.  It just so happens that I agree.  Consider this an intermission; I probably won’t wait until I finish this to update PMD again, but it might not be for a while.

Wait, this is a fighting game.  How are we gonna handle this?

Screenshots for the story, video for the fights.  Everybody wins!

What about the commentary?

It’ll be similar to the way I handled PMD, but I chose the characters to rewrite a little bit differently this time.  Because of the way this works out with the game’s plot, there are times where I’ll just interject snarky comments instead of the pure infodumping I did last time.

Do we have to?

Yes.

#1: Sonic Nomad and the Plot Eaters

(Here’s the intro video that plays when you start the game.  It’s not very long, but it’s not very promising either.) [YouTube]

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The title screen.  Um… yeah.

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We have to put a name in here.  It doesn’t do anything and is presumably only included to cement the game’s psuedo-RPG mechanics.

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The first sign that something is very, very wrong.

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The second sign that something is very, very wrong.

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Yeah, the game drops you right into it.

[The robot gets knocked around by a shaking effect that doesn’t translate well to screenshots.]

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Silly Dr. Eggman, robots don’t talk!

mug_eggman_2: Dang! You piece of junk!

mug_emerl_1: … … … …

He’s hurting on the inside.

mug_eggman_2: Give me back the “Chaos Emerald” you took!

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Just threw that one in so you all know it’s the game doing the asterisks, not me.

[The robot gets beaten about some more.]

mug_emerl_1: … … … …

mug_eggman_2: That’s it!  I’ve already used your data to create a robot that does what I say.  So I don’t need you anymore!

Then why the hell did he even bother in the first place?  It seems like a waste of effort to me.

mug_emerl_1: … … … …

Just stop with the goddamn ellipses.

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What is it with Sonic games and emeralds?

The place where Sonic and his friends live.

It looks like Eggman is up to no good, with another evil scheme once again…

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, that sentence is a train wreck of redundancy and downright bizarre phrasing.  Even ignoring that, though… does Eggman being evil really surprise anyone by now?

This story begins as Sonic finds a mysterious robot at Emerald Beach

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Welcome to the city.  We’ve got stupid games.

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Like all good psuedo-RPGs, this game has an overworld where nothing ever happens and you just travel from Clearly Marked Point A to Clearly Marked Point B.  Needless to say, Sonic moves pretty damn slow.

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This is the location of the first story sequence… but first, let me show you some quirks of the movement system:

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Sonic follows this cursor around.  It’s generally a pretty good match, but if you try to move it through something he can’t walk through…

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…he gets stuck.  Now, since Sonic moves at a set speed regardless of the cursor’s position, you get this:

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which I find much funnier than I should.

Anyway…

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What a great way to kick off your game.

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Keen eye, Sonic.

mug_emerl_1: … … … …

SHUT U- erm, uh……. SAY SOMETHING!

mug_sonic_4: Are you all right?

mug_emerl_1: … … … …

mug_sonic_4: I wonder if it’s busted.  Look at all this dust.  I wonder how long it’s been here.

Can’t have been very long.  Robots usually attract attention and news coverage and… well, then again, Eggman’s been building robots for years and by this point he probably doesn’t even merit page seven coverage in the local high school newspaper.

mug_sonic_4: Hey!  Are you all right?

mug_emerl_1: … … … …

mug_sonic_4: Hey!  It’s moving now!

What a shocking turn of events!

[The robot looks left, then right, then left again.]

mug_sonic_4: Need any help?  Can you walk by yourself?

mug_emerl_1: … … … …

mug_sonic_4: Can’t speak, eh?  Well, it figures.  Can’t expect much from Ol’ Eggman.

Are all robots just presumed Egg-made until proven otherwise?  (Admittedly, after a certain point it’s probably the most reasonable way to go.)  And what does that have to do with his inability to say anything but “…”?  Eggman’s built plenty of talking robots.

mug_sonic_4: Well, let’s get you over to Tails’ first, so we can help you out!

mug_emerl_1: “Show… … power… OR I sh… all ob… ey…  Sha… ll conqu… r a… ll…”

Bizarre, pointless, some kind of idiotic foreshadowing?  I could probably guess but screw it nobody cares.

mug_sonic_3: Huh?  What did it say?

Sonic’s not too bright.

mug_sonic_2: Show it my power?  Like this?  Heh heh…

Oh, good.  It’s been almost five whole minutes and we haven’t beaten anything up yet.

[The screen flashes white for a bit before resigning itself to a plain black background.]

mug_emerl_1: … … …! … … …!

Goddamn ellipses.

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mug_sonic_2: What!?  Woah!

No, we don’t get to see what he’s so worked up about.

mug_emerl_2: “I sha…ll not …represent and… become… of all…”

Utter nonsense.

mug_sonic_3: What?  What’s it saying?  I wonder if this thing can even be fixed.

Nothing new here.  C’mon, Sonic, if you don’t have something interesting to say, don’t say anything at all.

mug_sonic_3: I better take it to Tails before it blows up.

“Nope, sorry, no fight.  We were just joking.

mug_sonic_1: Tails’ House is north of town.  Follow me!

[Exeunt Sonic and robot.]

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mug_rouge_1: have established a “Link” already… but with Sonic?  What a strange choice.

This is the first sign of the game’s main recurring theme, specifically that everybody except you knows what’s going on.

mug_rouge_1: Oh, well.  That won’t stop the world’s greatest thief, “Rouge”, from getting what she wants!

(And, with that, it’s back to the world map.  Let’s go do a thing.)

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As you can see, our little robot buddy is tagging along.

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Tails’ House is up a block from the beach.  It’s hard to miss, for obvious reasons.

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Um, yeah?  Even ignoring the less-than-subtle decor, he is your friend.  You should know this already.  (I guess it’s possible that Sonic’s just telling the robot this, but the writing doesn’t really indicate that and it’s funnier my way.)

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mug_sonic_4: Shadow!

mug_shadow_2: Regrettably enough.  Look, I’ve got some important plot-related things to do, so would you mind just standing there while I say something cryptic?

mug_sonic_4: Shadow!

mug_shadow_1: Yes, okay, fine, you said that already, we get it.

mug_shadow_2: Hey, little robot.  Say something, wouldja?

mug_emerl_1: … … …

mug_shadow_2: Okay, you know what?  Screw it.  We’re all sick of your goddamn ellipses.  I’ll just destroy you now, and then we can end this godforsaken game a little bit early.  Okay?  Okay.

mug_sonic_4: Hey, stop that!

mug_shadow_2: Shut up.  Nobody asked your opinion.

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(Clearly, there’s only one valid choice.)

mug_sonic_2: You didn’t think I would simply say “Yes,” did you?

Yes!  Yes I did!  That’s why I selected it!  Stop defying me!

mug_shadow_1: Fine by me.  I’ll just kick your ass, too.

(Heaven or Hell?  LET’S ROCK!) [YouTube]

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“2”!

mug_shadow_1: How thoroughly unsurprising.  Look, just don’t let Eggman get the Gizoid, alright?  Also, the robot’s called a Gizoid.  Also also, I’m contractually obligated to come back at some point, so look forward to that.

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Y’know, Sonic, there’s a certain point where you should just accept that Eggman is involved in everything.

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mug_tails_1: I couldn’t actually be bothered to come and help, but I got up as soon as the commercials started.  I didn’t want to leave that robot in your custody for any longer than necessary.

mug_sonic_4: Oh, I found this robot by the beach!

mug_tails_1: …Sure.  Whatever.

mug_sonic_4: This thing’s about to fall apart.  Can you fix it, Tails?

mug_tails_1: Of course!  I’ve got absolutely nothing better to do with my time than fix up every beaten-up bit of robotic driftwood you pick up off the beach.

mug_sonic_4: Great!

mug_tails_1: Wait, no, that’s not what I meant, that was sa-

mug_sonic_4: Listen, I gotta split.  I spotted a bat I’m a little too familiar with lurking around.

mug_tails_1: Oh, god.  I know I should expect pandering in a Sonic game, but come on!

mug_sonic_4: Take this robot to the lab, Tails!

mug_tails_1: Fine, whatever.  It’s not like I have a choice.

mug_emerl_1: … … …

mug_tails_2: …Are you gonna keep doing that?

Next: Another fight with someone who knows more than we do!  Get used to it.

Viewer Participation: In these videos, I left the game audio as is.  The music is pretty much all the same poor MIDI imitation of a wailing 80s guitar.  Do you want me to leave the audio or replace it with music?  (Mainly from other Sonic games (well, okay, mostly just Rush and Adventure 2).)

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