PMD 15: I Hope You Like Infodumps

The next morning…

: You ever have one of those days when you wake up and you feel like you’ve been sleeping for two weeks?

: …

: Who the hell am I talking to?

: So, I talked to some people, and it turns out that the Hill of the Ancients is in the Great Canyon.

: Wait, what?  You mean they didn’t even bother to tell us where the damn thing is?

: And you didn’t notice?

: ………

: Yeah… well… um… shut up.

: …Right, well, let’s just head-

: …?

: Uh… what?

: Well… I mean…

: No, seriously.  What the hell just happened?

: You look like you’ve got a question.

: Ah.  The game’s being stupid again.  Well, I suppose there is one thing…

: Why do you jump into these plot events with so much vigor?  It’s just going to lead to crappy, forced characterization and retarded plot events.  Kind of like this, actually.

: I think you’ve made it perfectly clear that you’re not about to move the plot along yourself, which means that I have to keep things going.  It’s basic, really, and I actually doubt that you didn’t already know.

: Well, of course.  It’s just, I needed to say something so we could stop doing this, you know?

: Yay!

: No hugs.

: Aww…

(We take a quick trip to town and buy the friend area Peanut Swamp. Damn that’s a weird name.)

: You know, I actually really like being able to become gigantic and move across the continent with a couple steps.  Shame it doesn’t work in dungeons.

: It’s not so great.

: Boo!

:Oh, shut up.  You’re not even onscreen.

: The Hill of the Ancients is at the peak-

: Wait a second.  It’s at the top of this canyon- and, by the way, the physics of this thing are mind-boggling, especially if you take the stairs into account- and it’s called the Hill of the Ancients.  I don’t think you get very many hills at the ‘peak’ of a canyon, and not just because canyons don’t have peaks, at least not in the-

: Stop.  You’re rambling.  Anyway, Alakazam said that it’s on level 13-

: Hold it!  Alakazam told you this?  Why the hell didn’t I know?  Why couldn’t he just tell us this yesterday?

: Yeah, as it turns out, Alakazam’s kind of a dick.

Level 1F

: Welp.  Crawling time.  Again.

: This game gets pretty repetitive, doesn’t it?

Level 8F

(Holy crap.  Nothing happens for 7 floors, then I get ambushed by like five enemies all at once in the very first room of floor 8.  On the plus side…)

pmd-15-11

: Jesus Christ, man, slow it down a bit.

: You’re just jealous.

: Yea…. no.

Level 12F

pmd-15-12

: You’re not making a very good argument for yourself.

: Hey, hey, shut the hell up.  I don’t talk like that and you know it.

: You said it, Mr. Trielo!  I heard you!

: Hey!  Whose side are you on!?

: That’s a good question, actually.

: I work for no one but myself.  Please, leave me out of your petty squabbles.

: But… you just…

: I see no need to justify myself to you, Mr. Floyd.  I merely wish to remove myself from your quarrels.

: That… that really doesn’t sound like anything you’ve said.  Ever.

: I don’t know what you mean!  Tee-hee!

: Well… but… the exclamation marks…

: The more we get to know her, the more unbalanced she becomes.  I approve.

: You’re a horrible person.

Level 13F

pmd-15-13

: Okay, what the hell?  This isn’t a hill.  I’m not sure what it is, but it’s not a hill.

: Where d’ya think Xatu is?

: He’s right in front of you, dumbass.

pmd-15-14

: Oh.  You think I would’ve noticed that.

: Okay, there’s no way that’s a hill.  Hills don’t have cliffs.

pmd-15-15

: …

: …

: …Hello?

: Wow, he’s ignoring us even more than everyone else in this game.

: Maybe he…….. needs a hug?

: It’s tempting, but we don’t want him dead just yet.

: Aww…

pmd-15-16

xatu: Do you mind?  You’re blocking my view of the sun.

: Wait, what?

xatu: …

: How would he even know that?  There’s no way his eyes work.

xatu: …

: God, this is stupid.

: Well, we’ve got to do something.

pmd-15-17

: What do you think?  Let’s kick his ass.

: That’s really not a good idea.

pmd-15-18

: Well, you do have a point……  Wait.  I know.  It’s your move, Hugsy.

: God, what do you take me for, some kind of cheap floozy?

: ‘Floozy?’

: Don’t even go there.  Please, this is Pokemon.

: I’m not gonna hug everything that moves just ‘cuz you bastards tell me to.

: Okay, fine, whatever.  If you’re not gonna cooperate, I’ll hurt him myself.

pmd-15-19

s42: Waugh!

: ‘Waugh?’  I don’t think that’s a word.

: Shut up.  It’s an onomatopoeia.

xatu: Witness it…

: No way.  Jehova’s a dick.

xatu: The sinking of the sun…

: I don’t think you can call it sinking unless it actually moves.

xatu: Indeed.  I am Xatu.

: We figured that out 200 words ago.

xatu: You discerned my true identity…

: Well, it’s not exactly difficult.  Unless you’re, you know, six.

xatu: You are not an ordinary sort…

: You want me to take care of this idiot?  I’m tired of being told things I already know.

: Hey, Jan, could you just pick an opinion and stick with it?

xatu: …No.  I can tell this.

: Aww, you’re hurting my feelings!  Tee-hee!

: …That’s the most inappropriately placed giggle yet.

xatu: You there.

: Who, me?

xatu: You are no ordinary Pokemon.

: Of course not.  I’m the main character.

xatu: You are… human, yes?

: Close enough.

: Wait… how can you tell?

pmd-15-20

: Great.  You managed to completely avoid the question and still give a thoroughly retarded answer.

xatu: It gives me sight for all things.

: Okay, even I know that makes no sense.

: I mean, really.  What the hell?  That’s completely, incontrovertibly, impossibly stupid.

xatu: The past and the future, too.

: No.  Shut up.  I hate you and you’re dumb.

: Just get through the damn exposition.  I’m too tired to think.

xatu: The calamities of nature.  There have been many in recent times.

t4: God dammit game this is like the seventh time you’ve told us WE GET IT ALREADY.

xatu: They occur because the world’s balance is upset.  And your becoming a Pokemon…  They are tied together.  Inseparably so.

: Wait, so all this is my fault?

xatu: There are bigger concerns…

: No there aren’t.

xatu: I am afraid… the world’s balance… it must be restored.

: No it doesn’t.

xatu: Or the unthinkable will befall our world.

: No it won’t.

xatu: Every day I see it… the same future every day… I dread it…  I fear it…  The world’s destruction.

: Look, there’s just no good reason for me to put any stock in what you’re saying.  For all I know, you’re just pulling this out of your ass.

xatu: The end of the world

pmd-15-21

gengar: That Trielo… was human…

gengar1: That’s going to be useful!  This should be interesting!  Kekeh!

: Holy crap, is that Gengar?

: And he’s actually doing something vaguely menacing?

: It’s like watching your baby take its first steps, except with less pride and more ‘GOD I HATE YOU PLEASE DIE.’

: Can I hug him?

: Go for it.

gengar1: Ah!

-Dungeon End-

Next: Something happens.  It’s actually a fairly major plot point, too.  I’m just as shocked as you are.

Viewer Participation: None for the time being.  Yeah, sorry, the game hates you right now.

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