PMD 6: Nightmare

Huh? What? Where… where am I…? Wait… I’m… I’m…

No…. No! NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

The next morning…

: Oh, man. I had the worst dream.

: GOD!?

: Oh, er, um, listen, about the whole ‘atheism’ thing, I was just, you know, kidding around! You’re the man, right? Heh heh… um…

: Oh, shi-! The Greeks were right!

: Oh… uh… I mean…

: Science prevails yet again! Huzzah!

: Wait, what? Earthquake?

: Yes. Last night, there was an earthquake. Surely you noticed?

: Nope. Too busy contemplating suicide. For the good of Sonic, you see.

: Perhaps we should send you the number of our therapist. Regardless, our child Diglett was attacked.

: Wait… but… there’s three of you and… one child… er…

: I’m not going to pursue that line of thinking any further.

: He was whisked away to a tall mountain.

: Wait, you mean you guys can come out from there?

: We couldn’t possibly climb so high up…

: Why not? I mean, you appear in caves so you don’t seem to have a problem with the environs of a mountain… or…

: Hm. Can you tunnel through a mountain?

: No. That is why we must call upon you for help, Trielo. Diglett was abducted by a Pokemon named Skarmory.

: How would a bird… I mean, hiding wouldn’t be… the sheer mechanics of this are baffling.

: It’s a vilely vicious ruffian! Please do be careful. Please, we need your help! We must go!

: Why is there no hole?

: Oh, hey, uh… I managed to get us a job… or something… I think?

: You? Really?

: Ha ha. Right. Come on, I know better than that. There’s no way that someone as aloof and generally hard to get along with as you managed to get a job in the last five minutes you’ve been up.

: Normally, I would tend to agree with you, but…

: Ah!

: Told you.

: Oh. Oh, okay. I see. It’s a Dugtrio.

: I’m really getting sick of that.

: He was taken to Mt. Steels summit! Please, we need your help! Bye-Bye!

: Kind of… pushy, aren’t they?

: We’ll have to do something about that later. Let’s just get this over with.

: Why do these guys always come ask us for help instead of one of the other, much more competent rescue teams?

: I suspect they’re just too cheap to pay for anyone better.

: I don’t know about that name. I mean, it’s descriptive but… blandly so, you know?

: You think this is bad? Trust me, it gets much worse.

: What do you know. I hate him already.

Level 1F

: This is boring. Wanna sing obscure Beatles songs?

: … The hell?

: Hey, we’ve gotta say something between floors.

Level 2F

: I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

Level 3F

: See how the run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly-

: -Waugh! Be my meat shield!

: Hey!

: Oh, come on. This guy could kill me in two moves, and if I go down we both go down.

: …

: Okay, fine. I’m sorry. Happy now? (Jesus, it’s just a little bird…) Anyway, where was I…

Level 4F

: I’m crying…

: …

: …

: … cryyyyyyy……

: I’m crying…

: … cryyyyyyy……

: What just happened?

: …..they’re not supposed to go down that fast…

Level 5F

: Sitting on a cornflake…

: Waiting for the van to come…

: Corporation tee shirt, stupid bloody tuesday

: Man, you’ve been a naughty boy you let your face grow long…

Level 6F

: I am the eggman!

: (Woo!)

: They are the eggmen!

: (Woo!)

: I am the walrus! Kookookajoob… or… however you spell that…

Level 7F

: Mr. City policeman sitting pretty little policemen in a row…

: See how they fly like Lucy in the sky see how they run…

: I’m crying…

: … cryyyyyyy……

Level 8F

: Yellow matter custard…

: Dripping from a dead dog’s eye…

: Ah, LSD. Without you, these lyrics might make sense.

: Oh, hey. We’re almost out.

Level 9F

: No!  We’re too late!  The checkered void from Hell got him!

: Oh.

: Yeah, right! I know what you sickos want! You’re no better than that bird!

: Don’t flatter yourself, kid.

: I think he’s got us on that second point.

: Since when did I care about my moral relativity to birds?

: Cut it out, screen! You’re giving me whiplash.

: Hey! Scared little kid over here!

: I’m not your babysitter. I don’t have to be nice to you. I just need to keep you from getting eaten.

: I’m here to kick ass and take names, and I’m all out of names!

: I don’t think it works that way.

: Shut up! If I say so, then it is so!

: And you jumped straight to Winny the Pooh. Good job. Shouldn’t we be fighting or something?

: Well, why? What’s my motivation?

: Jesus… I’m surrounded by idiots.

: I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!

~AN EPIC AND VERY EXPENSIVE BATTLE COMMENCES AND IS CUT FOR BUDGET REASONS~

: Yeah! Take that, punk. You can call me snarky. You can call me cynical. You can call me prickly, arrogant, mean spirited, I don’t care, you’re probably right… but the one thing I am not is stupid.

:That guy was a… bit of a wuss, huh?

: Hey! We just killed you! Don’t be getting back up!

: I’d say it was more of a ‘we made him leave for no real reason.’

: Anyway, get the hell down here!

: I can’t. I’m too scared to move.

: Why is everybody in this game such a wimp?

: Hold on, we’ll come over…

: How the hell did you manage to miss it?

: I… um…

: SHUT UP!

: God dammit! Why does it have to be you guys?

: How the hell did you make it all the way up here?

: WE GET WORD.

: WHAT YOU SAY?

: Shut up. I mean it, stop right there. I cannot allow this to continue.

: WE COME TO SAVE DAY.

: Great, then. Grab the kid and let’s get the hell out of here.

: Crybaby.

: Maybe because I was up so high. My feet felt like they were walking on air…

: So you can come out from there! Well, I’ve got my life goal now.

: I hope that isn’t as creepy as it sounds.

: You know what I meant.  I just want to break nature, is that really so wrong?

: … Thank you, Cap’m Obvious, for your incredible insight.

: You mean you haven’t figured it out yet?

: Well, I have, but we need to play along for all the six year olds in the audience.

: (I really hate that guy.)

: (Oh, good. I’m not the only one.)

: (I really hate telepathy.)

: Diglett! Are you okay!?

: The kid’s fine, would you just please get the hell away from my house?

(500 Poke added to the court record.) (Pecha Scarf added to the court record. (Ginseng added to the court record.)

: OH THANK GOD!

: Wait… actually…

: OH HELL NO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU-

: Would you join the rescue team?

: HMM…

: (Please say no, please say no…)

: OKAY.

: Screw you, man.

: OH BUT IT SEEMS YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY PLACE FOR ME TO STAY I GUESS I WILL JUST GO.

: YES!

: BUT PERHAPS SOME CONVENIENT GAMEPLAY ELEMENT WILL CHANGE THAT.

: Oh, bugger.

Next: More adventuring.

Audience participation time!

Starting next update, we should be able to recruit new team members. Do you have a name/species/personality/some combination thereof that you’d like to see? Just let me know and I’ll see what I can do.

: Hey… wait…

: Oh, crap…

: Why did Skarmory kidnap Diglett in the first place?

: Oh, that? There was an explanation about the bird blaming the moles for all the earthquakes, but we skipped it because it was really loving stupid.

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