And no PROF. OAK? This isn’t a good sign.

I don’t like the sound of this.

I had nothing to do with it, I swear! I was having my hair… uh… pierced, yeah!

Ready like a Bonesaw!

Oh, um, okay, well, I believe that my, uh, résumé speaks for itself, but, uh, I feel that…


1. There’s an alien invasion! What do you do?

Hm… well, I’ll invariably end up doing something about it, but I’ve got plenty of time to faff about doing sidequests, so um yeah.

2. Do you like to noisily enjoy yourself with others?

I’m fond of music, but that doesn’t count.

3. There is a bucket. If you put water in it, how high will you put it?

There is a stupid question. If you ask it again, how many times will I step on the cartridge?

4. The road forks to the right and left. You’re told that there’s treasure on the right side. What do you do?

Why even bother? If they’re just telling people there’s treasure, somebody will have beaten me to it by now.

5. Can you sincerely thank someone when you feel grateful?

No, only when I feel ironic.

6. Do you occasionally consider yourself dull and overly cautious?

This is a boring question and there is nothing good to say about it.

7. Can you go into a haunted house?

Of note here is that the final option is ‘With someone I like.’ If there’s one thing I’ve learned from horror movies, it’s that this is the single best way to end up dead.

8. Your friend fails to show up for a meeting at the promised time. What do you do?

Burn his house down with extreme prejudice.

9. Are you a boy or a girl?

What does it matter?

You appear to be…

The sassy type.

Whoa, really? Man, they really are running out of ideas.

You tend to be somewhat cynical.

Oh, so close! Replace ‘somewhat’ with ‘overly’ and you’ve nailed it.

Despite that, there is something appealing and lovable about you.

I like to think because of that.

But do you occasionally say something arrogant that angers others?

You know, I used to have a problem with that. But then I realized people aren’t stupid… masses of people are.

Do you make that mistake?

You know, I honestly don’t need life counseling from a Pokemon game.

Or have people called you conceited, vain, or selfish?

Not really. I couldn’t care less about appearances and suffer from low self-esteem… but maybe thinking I have low self-esteem just proves how conceited I am, and…

This could go on and on for quite some time, so I’ll spare you my insecurities… but maybe I just think I have insecurities to convince myself I’m not arrogant and…

So, no.

Have people said that about you?



You’re telling me to get lost?

That would actually be very nice. Please go about doing this.

Why, you… come here and say that!

Hey, watch that fourth wall! Breaking that’s my job.


This is getting stupid.

…Sorry. I let my feelings run away. I truly regret this, really.

Ah, so that’s why this is here.

Anyway, your cool and aloof attitude is what defines you.

Heh, I wish!

It makes you exasperating and appealing at the same time.

I think this is supposed to be some kind of confidence boost, but the fact that the game thinks I need a video game to boost my confidence just makes the whole thing sad.

A sassy person like you should be…

“Sassy” is an odd word choice for this, I must say.

This I can live with. Also of note: Placeholder background, or EarthBound? You decide!

This is the final step.

Who would you like to have as a partner?

For a partner, we’ve got a Squirtle named Floyd. Yay.

And no, I’m not naming the other dude Pink.

I was going to stop here, but now I won’t because I just discovered this emulator doesn’t have save states. Here’s where the game starts proper.

(The next few bits of dialog occur entirely over black screens)

…Where am I?
…Am I dreaming this?

…Hm… what’s that… that sensation… it needs a name… how about… wind! I’ll try to think of a better name when I’ve got more time to mull over it later, but it’ll do for now.

…I hear a voice from somewhere…

…Probably the sidekick…


: A… Squirtle? The hell? Wait… What?

: Finally. Why are the heroes always so lazy? My name’s Floyd, and I will be your plot-designated sidekick for this evening. Are you ready to order?

: Talking… Squirtle… er………………

: …!

: Oh, god. I’m a lizard. A tree lizard. What did I do to deserve this?

: …

: And I’m an amnesiac, too. This is stupid.

: Er…

: Well, whatever, I’m sure I’ll remember by the end of the game.

: What did you say your name was?

: Hold on, give the player a minute…

: Um, yes, it would appear that my name is Trielo.

: Nice.

: Yes, yes, it’s a dumb name. Get over it.

Somebody, please! Help me!

: Oh boy.

: But… shouldn’t you be dead, then? Having a child and all? Last time I checked, you guys don’t live very long and-

: (Shh! This is a no-biology zone.)

: A huge fissure opened in the ground, and my Caterpie fell in! He’s too young to crawl out by himself! When I went to get him, I was attacked! They must be enraged by the fissure and out of control! That’s what I think.

: Maybe you should go call the police… or something…

: I’m not strong enough to fend off those wild Pokemon. What will become of my baby?

: I’m gonna have to save the little bugger, aren’t I?

: Oh, come on. You wouldn’t leave some baby to get eaten, would you?

: But… why is this my job? Don’t we have a fire brigade?

: No.

: Bugger.

Next: And Thy Dungeonman crawls on and on and on…

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